A quandry, a puzzler, a WTF?

OK, some of you may remember this post about my cousins upcoming wedding in the Keys. The family and I were looking forward to a nice vacation that had a wedding sandwiched in the middle and now I find myself mired in a controversy over the bachelor party.

Even though I am not the best man I was apparently honored with the task of providing a party for my boy, now this is something that I take seriously. Any bachelor party has to have three things to be considered a good time and they are in no necessary order:

Firetrucks

Hookers

and at least one goat!

When news of the soiree first got to the bride to be she emailed me and told me that there would be NO hookers, NO firetrucks and NO booze the night before the wedding. HUH? WHAT? Are you talking to me?? Now the wedding is in the Keys, the bride and groom live in Lauderdale and some friends are coming from as far as California for this thing; she insists that the bachelor party has to be the week before the wedding. Granted I don't live all that far away but there is no way in hell I am driving to Lauderdale the week before the wedding for a party and then driving home and then driving to the damn Keys a week later; nope, sorry, just ain't fucking happening. Not to mention the boys from the northeast and Cali, they ain't doing it either.

Now I sit on this email and kinda let the whole party planning thing die. That is until about a week or so ago when said cousin calls me to shoot the shit. He asks about the party and I reply that I was under the impression that he and the future Mrs. had discussed this and there WAS NOT to be a party the night before the wedding, he had agreed to this - whoops, maybe he hadn't. SURPRISE! A few days later I got an email from the best man that there was gonna be a party, Friday night, before the wedding, in the Keys - COOL, I'm in.

Well, that was fine and dandy for a day or two anyway - cue the next email from Bridezilla. Now, apparently the stress of it all is getting to her, she cannot do this. She cannot HAVE this, no, not at all, not in any fashion. Not in a box, not with a fox, not train, not in the rain. She tells me and the guy from Cali that she has invested too much time, too much energy and too much LOVE in this ceremony to look into bloodshot and tired eyes to say her vows. I can buy some of this but you really gotta know these two to appreciate the irony here. They are party folk to utmost, my cuz is a band man, late nights, loud angry music (mg needs the cd) lots of booze and groupies; the bride is part of the package. She's gonna wake up to hangovers, bloodshot eyes and headaches the rest of their lives (or at least she hopes) and she's worried about one day?
Mything is all the guests are staying the weekend in the keys, starting Friday night; I know when I get the there the bottle will open and I will be intoxicated till it's time to go home, as will everybody else. So, even if there is no organized party with the aforementioned accoutrements there will be people up drinking all night before the wedding, how are we to stop the groom from partaking. This woman knows the man she is marrying, she knows the family, she knows the situation and she still sends the email begging us not to have a party.

Now there is no quandry about the party, cause it's going on, no matter what - groom in or groom out. The quandry is, the question be - do I not tell the groom that she wrote me again TELLING me that there will be no party - she asked that I not. Gee, if she's a manipulative little bridezilla now, what will life be like in the future? Yeah, I'm telling him, he should know that this little party is her reason for calling off the wedding. We could be saving his life, right?

And if there is no wedding, there's nothing to interrupt my little vacation, after all I do still have reservations...