Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Thanks all.

It's been awhile since that last post and I reckon y'all deserve an update since you've been so kind to chime in with your opinions (and threats of bodily harm). And yes, I kinda like that everybody agreed with me. :>)

Little Miss has been grounded for a while on unrelated charges, well kinda related but whatever. That's given me some time to deal with the revolt and mutiny that have been popping up in the house.

And yes, as of today the "boy" is still alive and without serious injury - but that can change.

It took a few days but Babygirl is talking to me again, it's an uneasy truce but a truce none the less. She said she loved me the other day, that was good to hear; don't know how long that will last.

Some of you know that I had a meeting with the kid last week, Wednesday night I believe it was. We had a sit down, in a public place, better for both of us. We talked for about a half an hour or so and to his credit he neither lied nor tried to bullshit me. Not that this means I'm getting soft but I still kinda like the guy - that really makes this difficult.

The guy neither drinks or does drugs, he has a responsible job, he's polite, kind and friendly - there's not much about him to hate and I hate that. It seems that the only real and true problem here is his age. When asked if he know how old Babygirl was he told me he didn't know until they'd been hanging out about a week and yes, it bothered him, but only for a week or so. Poor bastard, wish it had bothered him more. (And yes, I've checked every local sheriff's website and the state offender database, he's not there.)

He said all the right things (without trying to mislead me), like I said it's tough not to like this kid except for the obvious reason, his age. I really don't know what to do here, I do, but I don't, ya know? If there was any reason not to like this guy it would be a no brainer - he'd have to die.

There's been no relations with them, so far it's all friendly and yes, I believe that. (schmuck) The problem is what comes next. I just don't like where it can go. Yeah, he's too old for her, but really, I don't think this guy is as old as he really is if you know what I mean.

I can cut it off completely which is what should happen. Then Babygirl and he are sneaking around behind my back - that's no good. I can condone it which just tears apart the fiber of my very soul - that's no good. There's just no way out here for me.

The wife is softening on the issue. Big sister who was completely against it is letting up some. The guy knows that jail time is a distinct possibility and I'm just the pirate to send him there. I'm the last hold out on the issue - just because it bothers me so deeply.

My problem is I can't explain why it bothers me so deep. The only thing I can come up with is that he's just too fucking old for her and that's the way it is - that's the way the world works. For that explanation I was called a hypocrite; apparently I question everything and always buc the system so why am I so with the way of the world on this????

Any help here? I would love to not like this punk and send him on his way. He's a genuinely good guy and he treats her well for a "friend". If it weren't for the age I couldn't wish a better guy for her.

Your Pirate's having a hard time here. For some reason it's not sitting well, bad ju ju if you will. I need to do something soon, even if it's wrong, but what. dammit, dammit, dammit. Would love to hear more from the crew, chime in folks. As of this point cruel and unusual punishment is off the table, so, now where do I go?

Someone was kind enough to send me this url this week, for those of you with daughters, ATL LG, check it out. "the daughter song"

C'mon folks, help me out here.


Anonymous in.harvey said...

ok, if she was 3, would you allow a 10 year old to take a special interest in her?...or if she was 10 would you allow a 17 year old?...I don't think so!...We love to see our kids grow up, but, they grow up too fast these days. When she is 22, a 29 year old can be her choice.....but for now, the choice is yours.

7:02 PM  
Blogger CP said...

Let the princess share a word with you, Pirate and tell you my tale of woe. A little more than a year ago, my 19 year old daughter started to date a 32 year old man. Mind you, he is the EXACT same age of my husband, who is 8 years my junior. Three months later, the opted to get married. I was against it, I was livid, I was pissed...but it was going to happen with or without my support. In the interest of my love for my daughter, I chose to go along for the ride. I would rather her remember her mother standing by her than not. And, like in your situation, my 32 year old son in law is very "young" for his age. Nothing like my 32 year old husband who is old for his age. It's a year later and they are very happily married. The kid said and did all the right things, like your guy did and yes, it was very hard to dislike him as well.

My point is this...the age difference? That's terrible, but you are going to have to get past that. You need to stay in her corner and have her back and the best way to keep an eye out on her is to have the relationship unfold in front of you, not behind your back. Yes, it is disconcerting...what would a 23 year old man see in a 15 year old girl. But, it happens that she may be mature for her age and he, not so much for his. This relationship is going to happen with or without you. Even if you opt to put him in jail...this will only make the chasm between you and your daughter that much wider and harder to bring back together. If he is a good guy, is treating her respectfully, treating YOU respectfully and doing the right thing by her, then I have to be honest Billy...I would leave this one alone. Think about it. She could be seeing a 17 year old punk ass jerk who does drugs, or hits her, or hurts her emotionally because he is not as mature as she is. And you make it very clear to both of them that you do NOT condone this, but you are going to stay supportive and watchful of your daughter.

If it is sex you are concerned about, Billy, she can sleep with someone her age or his age no matter what. If the deed is going to get done, there is nothing you can do to stop it. If this guy gives you the vibe that he is a good one, go with that. Your fatherly instincts will always guide you. I sure as shit wouldn't condone it either, but I gained a lot more in the long run by supporting my daughter. She trusts me now and loves the fact that I supported her even though she KNEW it made me insane.

Don't make them sneak around, Billy. It will only make matters worse in the long run. And, if it doesn't work out, she will turn to you for comfort because you supported her. IF it does work out...then you will have an 18 year old daughter (someday) with a 25 year old boyfriend...and there is nothing wrong with that at all.

Just my two cents. I am sure this won't be the popular reply...but it is the one that kept me close to my daughter. In the long run...that's all that ever mattered to me.


10:26 PM  
Blogger Still Searching... said...

Oh dear. You see now, that changes things just a little bit. Still not right b/c of her age BUT, when I related my story of dating older "men", they weren't at all like you are describing this fellow.

They drank, did drugs, weren't terribly respectful (of me), and in my opinion, were only interested in me b/c they FELT it would be easier to manipulate me. I could give you a HUGELY long story but the worst of the worst asked me to move in with him, marry him, and have a baby with him (all right now), and I was only 16.

He said, but of COURSE you should finish high school, you can finish while we're living together. Um...yeah, do I look stupid was all I said. I have to say though that it was given a nanosecond of thought on my part. Being that I was forbidden from seeing him and was sneaking around. But yeah, I really wasn't that stupid, and I RAN in the other direction!

I don't know the situation b/c I'm not there, but it sounds like you have a pretty good take on the two of them.

Of course you feel unsettled, she's a teenage girl, that's her job to unsettle her Daddy, and her Daddy's job to BE unsettled. *sigh* Sucks, but that's the way it is. You worry about your Babygirl.

While I would not CONDONE it either, and would still feel terribly uncomfy, CP makes a very good argument.

If you feel their maturity levels match up, and he is treating her well...*sigh*...like CP says, it may be better for it to happen in FRONT of you so you can keep a watchful eye. Like she says, it'll happen anyway. And that way, Babygirl will know she can come to you if anything DOES go awry.

It still doesn't "feel" good to me either, but...

Damn Pirate, I don't know what else to say so I'm just gonna hug you!


5:10 AM  
Blogger Evening said...

Oh, Damn. I knew you were going to end up liking him!!! And really, that is why your daughter likes him, he is a good guy. And doesn't that make you happy, she is attracted to good guys, not scum bags.

Well, here is my two cents. First of all I want to say, HARVEY, is one of the most sensible, inciteful men I have met. (Waving at you Harvey. It is me TME. I miss you.)And I always think his advice is good.
what are your actual concerns? If it is the maturity thing, you said he doesn't seem his age. If it is his character and what he may be into, you said he is a stand up guy, and no drugs or drinking. If it is sex, they haven't had it. AND I am here to tell you, just because she dates someone her own age doesn't mean there is no sex going on. In fact, it might be more likely, if it is an even less mature guy.
And Billy, they could still sneak around.
I get all the concerns. I would have them too. Even her riding in cars with new drivers would be bothering me about a girl her age. There is so much to worry about with a young teen girl, just starting to date.
I think, if it was my daughter, I would first listen to my gut instinct on this. Then, if you do allow them to see each other I would but restrictions on that, and that would be with anyone she dated when she was only 15. I would ask that they did not see each other at his apartment, if he has one (not that they couldn't sneak around and go there but at least if you let it be known that you don't approve of that, I think that will at least put a bit of fear in both of them. Not that they couldn't do whatever it is they might do there, anywhere else.)
I would also limit the time they can spend together. Like maybe no dates on school nights or whatever. And curfews.
I would tell them "I will be watching." That you are not comfortable with this. And that there will be consquences to pay if they slip up.
Billy, the nost important thing is how a "boy" treats her. Does he respect her? Because she could date some real losers that are 16. And should a problem arise, maybe a 22 year old would act a bit more responsible than a 16 year old (and he has more driving experience. That new teenage driver and friends in cars things, scares the shit out of me.)
Billy, I was a 15 year old girl, raised by really strict parents. And I got pregant at that age. Teenagers, make mistakes, they sneak around, it is impossible to watch over them every minute, so, I think the best thing you can do here is, trust your daughter to handle this with some guidelines and control from you and see how it goes. It might work out beautifully or it might not. But that could be with a boy her own age.
That all said, remember Billy, you only spent a half hour with him. Keep your eyes open. If you see things you don't like, END IT.
This is a tough one. I know, it from both side, the teen girl and the parent. Good luck to you, Billy, you are a great dad to care so much, that you want to do the right thing.

9:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe be I am the only one that is not wavering on this issue. She is 15, it is your job to show her what is right or wrong..and this situation is wrong. If you cave in on your beliefs because she will just sneak around behind your back..well that is the easy way out. Lets say you do give her permission and it falls apart..which it will, what will stop her from wanting to date a 29 year old when she is 17? Bottom line, you can tell him you are keeping an eye on them because he is such a nice guy but really that is just a platitude to make you fell better about the situation. Unfortunately Billy you have to set the bar on this issue, and once you start lowering it watch out it is a slippery slope. I am sorry if I sound like a hard ass but this is a no brainer to me. Nobody said it was easy being a parent, sometime you have to make the hard calls.

11:43 AM  
Blogger just some dude said...

A truly good guy his age wouldn't be making time with a 15 year old. No exceptions.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Charlie said...

Go with your bad ju ju feeling. Its there for a reason. I would stick my ground if i was in the same position. He's too old, she's too young. A 22 year old should be looking at 22 year olds.

Can i ask though..how old does she look/act?

And there's always a strong bond between daddy's and their girls. They do have to be allowed to grow up but she definitely needs you to be there to point her in the right direction. Hang in there.

5:55 AM  
Blogger Evening said...

OK, where are you? I am scared there was a murder in Florida and you are either the one in jail or the one that has been murdered. Update on the situation, Please.

(seems I had a slightly unpopular point of view on this subject.)

1:40 AM  

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