Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Brazen Billy and the Curse of the Cardboard Cowgirl

Y'all gonna love this one, but first....

Way to fucking go MIAMI HEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First trip ever to the finals and they bring home the trophy. Down 0-2, they came back to win 4 in a row and leave Dallas in the dust. No offense to the Texas bloggers, the Mavs played some good ball - they just couldn't take the Heat. Gotta run out and buy myself one of them '06 Champion hats now.

Okay, now, the cowgirl.

Bout 6 weeks ago I was working with the boys over in Plant City; we had a deadline so I donned my tools and worked for a week. We were frequenting a convenience store there, in it everyday for a week or so. The first time I walked in that door it was over, she had captured my heart. Standing there, in a wifebeater and jeans with a pair of black chaps, holding some rope; I shiver just to think of that first day. The cowgirl, hanging out, advertising for Copenhagen, just looking all kinds of hot - I had to have her.

I grabbed a water and some cookies, yeah, great lunch, and went to the counter. Habib adds it up and asks if I need anything else. I say yeah, how much for the cowgirl. He just looks at me. So I turn to her and point, how much for the cowgirl I ask. Habib smiles and laughs and says she not for sale. Being me, I say of course she is, everythings for sale, how much for the cowgirl? Again he laughs and says she's not for sale. Dammit! Alright. and I leave.

But, like I said, we were there everyday for a week or so. Everyday I'd ask Habib, how much for the cowgirl. Everyday the same answer, she's not for sale. Everyday that is till the last day. I ran in for a bag of ice and took it to the counter with a $10 bill. Habib sees me and smiles waiting for the inevitable question. Say it with me people - "how much for the cowgirl?"

Guess Habib had a bad morning and he started to go off a little bit, that or maybe I was just getting on his nerves. He looks at me and says what will you give me for her, being a skinflint pirate I say I'll give him the $10 for the bag of ice and the cowgirl. With the ice being about $1.40 he stood to make about a little over 8 bucks on the transaction. He took it. HE TOOK IT! She was mine, all MINE, I now had a cowgirl. A damned hot cowgirl. A cowgirl made of cardboard standing on a Copenhagen ad. Folks, meet Charlotte, the cardboard cowgirl.
Okay, story of my life, you got it, now what you gonna do with it? First off, she lived in the garage. She killed, excellent conversation starter. Really. Many asked what the Mrs. thought of her, told them honey said as long as she didn't come home and find me in bed with her she was cool with it. I can be a little quirky, not that y'all had noticed. But... It didn't take long till she started creeping me out. I'd be working outside and cruise into the garage for something and notice a woman standing in the garage. Okay so maybe I'd been smokin a little but when you don't expect her she can startle you. After a whole weekend I'd had enough.

I thought okay, well, let's put her in the work trailer. Maybe the boys wouldn't mind her hanging around. Wrong, they'd go in the trailer to get something and she'd freak them too. It wasn't long before talk turned to making her walk the plank or some other landlubber type demise. I don't think she took it too well.

Last week I had to move the trailer from one job to another. I checked everything out inside first to make sure it was ready to roll, everything was secure. I hitched it up and drove it about 12 miles to the next jobsite, never swerved, never veered, nuthin. When I got it there, parked it and opened it up - the place was trashed. Everything had broken loose, even the shelving screwed to the wall. Tools and screws and cords scattered. On top of the pile, Charlotte. How the hell did that happen?

Now, who knows what drew her ire. Was it the talk of getting rid of her? Don't know. But she must of been pissed about something. Maybe she knew the wife and I had been getting busy the night before and that pissed her off.

Come Friday it was time to turn the work trailer into a toy hauler. I towed it home and emptied out all the equipment, installed wheel chocks and tie downs and loaded the motorcycles for our trip to Cedar Key. Before we left Saturday I checked the tie downs, everything was secure. We made it up to New Port Richey and stopped for something to eat. I decided to check the bikes. Mine had fallen over into the wifes, my throttle handle had dented her gas tank and scraped some paint. Dammit! I untied it, stood it up and retied it. All the while feeling miserable about the dent and such in the wife's bike.

She assured me that all was okay and that it could be fixed, we were still gonna have a good time. That I never expected, but I welcomed. All retied we took off again. Now I'm paranoid about it and stopped about 35 miles later to check them again. Same damn thing. Now there was another dent in her tank, fuck, fuck, fuck. The mrs. still took it well. This time when I retied it I also wrapped a heavy towel around my throttle. If it did fall again it shouldn't hurt so bad, wrong. It fell, the towel was off and now there was a third dent.
Again I retied and we made it to Cedar Key without further incident. We had a great time, a nice room and enjoyed beautiful weather. We ate, drank, ate, drank and enjoyed the water. Here's a view from the balcony.
All went well, we went riding Sunday morning without inncident, had a great ride. Got back to the hotel and loaded up my bike and then started with the wife's. After the damage from the ride I was a little paranoid about loading hers but started up the ramp, fearing I was gonna hit her mirror on the door I stopped. Front tire in the trailer, rear tire on the ramp, no problem, I'll just hit the gas and cruise on in, wrong. I hit the throttle and the back tire spun the ramp out from under the bike and the bike fell with a loud clunk onto the trailer floor with the back tire hanging in the air.

It only took me 5 minutes to drag the damned thing out of the trailer. It's effin heavy. Finally repositioned the ramp and got the bike in. So tell me why did this shit only happen to the wife's bike anyway? Gotta wonder. Oh and they didn't fall on the way home. WTF?

So, the cause of all this has been blamed on the curse of the cardboard cowgirl..Whether it's true or not, that what the pirate believes. So, if anyone is interested, there's a cowgirl available in Tampa. Drop me a line and I'll mail her to you. I take no responsibility for what happens after she gets there though.


Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

You should not have rebuffed her advances. You know, you could have cut a hole...

I bet CP gives you shit for not stopping by to see her... :)

6:25 AM  
Blogger erika said...

LOL Don't you know not to piss off women even if she is cardborad??

10:04 AM  
Blogger April said...

Yup, I'm with's always bad to piss off a woman. You could ask my ex when I'm through with him...heh.

As far as the cardboard cowgirl..I'm not interested, thanks. But there is something down in Tampa I am...:D

10:09 AM  
Blogger Billy said...

Fab - I'm the only guy in town with a cardboard love doll. ?

Erika - It's taken 43 years to figure out real womens, almost, I ain't got time for this shit.

April - Why whatever would you be interested in down here?

10:23 AM  
Blogger Ms. M said...

Spooky!! That cowbitch may yet do more damage to your wife's posessions or Mrs. Pirate herself!

The only answer is to burn the cowbitch! Burn baby burn!!!!


10:39 AM  
Blogger Lori said...

You should never trust a cow girl especially a cardboard one make her walk the plank or better yet put some dents in her.

10:49 AM  
Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

Best damn story I have I read this morning. I have a brother n law near Tampa I tolerate maybe the pysco cowbitch can visit him. haahaa :)

10:52 AM  
Blogger Green Eyes said...

Quick! Get rid of her, Billy! Don't wait any longer, just put her on your lawn, somebody will take her home.

10:59 AM  
Blogger MG said...

very interesting story.
funny how things it seems like you NEED later you're like WTF?

I agree with most eveyone else though, I think she's jinxed.

and agreeing again, have a bonfire, dance around and chant, drinking lots of tequila, I think that will ward off the evil.

11:29 AM  
Blogger April said...

Burn, cowbitch, burn...LOL. I don't care who you are, that's funny!

If you don't know, Pirate baby...I ain't sayin'.

11:43 AM  
Blogger Softball Slut said...

If you burn her though, does that mean something you love with catch on fire? Will it be like Carrie? How do you know that if you burn her, she wont give you El Ojo? Women are evil, you should know this man.. We lure you with boobies and chaps and then once you are in our grasp. Venus Fly trap

12:41 PM  
Blogger Still Searching... said...

Well keep that chick away from me!! I have ENOUGH trouble w/o a bloody curse!

3:22 PM  
Blogger CP said...

I bet you are damn fucking right, Fab, that CP is gonna give you shit for being in mutha fuckin' NEW PORT RICHEY and NOT stoppin' by to see me.

But, I have drawn the conclusion that the wife-like person doesn't even know I exist in your pirate world and I think that stopping by to chat with the Fat Princess Mama would piss your wife right da fuck off. True?

If this is the case, you are off the steenkin' hook, mang. IF it isn't, you are sooooooooo farkin' dead, dude! WTF????

And I say you should drop the cowgirl off at my house. You live close enough AND...bad luck is always good for blogging block.

I'll take her! *L*

But only if you smooch her nipples with lipstick prints first! *LMAO*


1:21 AM  
Blogger erika said...

At the tone the time will be Tuesday!

10:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah!!! That should give you a good lesson about chesting on your wife with a cardboard cowgirl... maybe that bitch is like me... finding married men (or in relationship of any kind)flirting with anyone else than there mate is irritating me to a level that I can hardly express...
Maybe the carfdboard cowgirl was trying to show you something... take care of what you have home already, as much as you are taking care of those you are flirting with out of your place... It is not because you got married since 1903 that she stops being a woman and have no more need to be validated in that identity... I just can't understand your wife agreed with this presence... I wild have burned it the first night.. so nothing of that would have happens...

7:15 PM  
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11:40 PM  
Blogger Ken T said...

how much you want for her?

12:33 PM  

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