HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETPEA!

Today is my baby's birthday. My first baby. She was born at 9:39 am, 16 years ago today, can you believe it? I know I can't.

This pic is not very recent but is one of my favorites. Today she is a little taller, has boobs bigger than her Momma and black hair with lovely blue hi-lites. She is an honors student, very responsible, loves her rock and roll and won't score her old man a bag of dope - three out of four ain't bad I suppose...

Happy Birthday Sweetpea - your Daddy loves you!

Edit...

Mel asked about the line "won't score her old man a bag of dope" - a old story may explain that. and we got a car for her to drive last spring when she got her permit, old LeBaron convertible in nice shape - she thinks it's ugly, no curves - WTF? I'd a killed for a ragtop at 16.

A good goat...

When I burned up the dish towel the other day CP told me none of that would have happened if I had just stuck to hookers, goats and fire trucks; so today's fire prevention technique(?) is one of my favorite jokes.

Farmer Wilson walks over to Farmer Jones' place and says
"Jones, I got me a problem and I gotta to go to court - I need a lawyer, do you know any?" Farmer Jones replies, "yeah, I know a couple of those guys. One is a hell of a trial lawyer, great guy but expensive as hell; the other, not so great, but the guy sure knows how to pick a jury and he's a lot cheaper." Wilson thanks his buddy and moves on thinking to himself, well I don't have a lot of money so I guess I know what I have to do.


Wilson's day in court finally comes and the first witness called to the stand is his neighbor Mrs. Smith. Mrs. Smith is sworn in and the prosecuter asks her, "Mrs. Smith, would you please tell the court what you saw on the day in question. "Why yes I can", she says, "I was doing my dishes, looking out my window over the sink when I saw Farmer Wilson come out from behind his barn and grab one of his goats". Yes mam, and then what did you see? "Well after he grabbed that goat he proceeded to drop his pants and fornicate with that there goat!" Is that all mam? "Well no, after it seemed like he had his way with that goat, the goat turned around and proceeded to lick his pecker clean!"


It was at this point of the testimony that one man on the jury turns to another man on the jury and says "you know, a good goat will do that"..

Have a great Friday everybody!

HNT!

It's that time of the week - half nekkidness.

It's a take on that old yo-yo trick
walkin the dog.

Join the cool kids and post some half nekkidness
click the blue button to see the King, Obsasso for the details.

This just in...

Please note that if you put the tea pan on the back burner and then inadvertantly turn on the front burner, which has a towel on it, said towel will sprout flames and fill the house with smoke.

This has been a public service announcement from your dumbass pirate.

Isn't this the second time in a month I tried to burn the house down making tea?
I think it is.
Dumbass.

Don't fence me in

Ya know, I'm a damned pirate for pete's sake, a cowboy, a rebel, a non-conformist; always have been, always will be. Sometimes to my detriment. Please don't tell me what to do - ask me to help, make a suggestion, or something along those lines if you even want to have a shot at my cooperation.

That was the problem with Bridezilla and the bachelor party - she told us there will be NO (insert hookers, goats, firetrucks, mass quantities of alchohol) the night before the wedding. Thus an argument began, it ended peacefully yesterday with her crying her eyes out over the phone and me offering tidbits of advice from 16 years of a contentious marriage. Don't TELL him what he can't do, wrong approach. She'll learn, it'll probably be too late, but she'll learn.

The same problem is here today in the form of my employment. In less than 2 years I have taken a non-existant territory and turned it into about 12% of the companys revenues and probably a bigger percentage of the bottom line - cause I'm fucking profitable. Because of a lack of sales everywhere else it was decided to bring in a consultant to find a better way. One of these "better ways" is to track accountablitity, c'mon. WTF? Maybe that needs to be done in some areas, but I'm kicking ass down here, so far this year I'm 30% ahead of plan, my plan, a damned ambitious plan. Why do I have to be included in this "paid consultants" better way, mine is just fine, at least according to the numbers that matter.

Hence I feel fenced in, I need to log everything I do now in some online database. Apparently someone is being paid to turn all these little entries into colorful charts to show how we can improve our sales and locate markets we have not penetrated. We have a product with a specific application in a specific area; it can be used in other areas but if we're looking to maximize sales with the talent we have we need to stick to our "core competencies" (a hated term from a former employer, it just fits here). If we head off all scattered to seek these other "opportunities" we leave a lot uncovered that is our base market; we're not a huge company with resources to spare. How 'bout we focus on what we're good at? Novel approach I know.

I could just be pissed that they're "moving my cheese" (damn, I've gone all corporate) and I hate when that happens. It is enough to make me seek other opportunities of my own though, somewhere I can just make money for someone and have them leave me alone in my own little world. I hate having to conform, especially when I don't agree with what's going on, that's just me.

So maybe this was boring for y'all but I feel somewhat better having vented. I hate corporate life and that's what it seems that this little company is headed for - the reasons I came to work here are disappearing a little at a time. I wanna be a cowboy (pirate) baby, it works for me and so far it's worked for them; don't fence me in - I'll just wanna jump it.

FreeBoobyTuesdaaayyyy!

Hey all, it's Tuesday again and you know what that means. Yet another shameless display of boobs here at Billy's, don't ya just love it? Of course you do, you know it, admit it, go ahead, it's okay.

Wishing everyone a great Tuesday! Heeere's Booobies!

A quandry, a puzzler, a WTF?

OK, some of you may remember this post about my cousins upcoming wedding in the Keys. The family and I were looking forward to a nice vacation that had a wedding sandwiched in the middle and now I find myself mired in a controversy over the bachelor party.

Even though I am not the best man I was apparently honored with the task of providing a party for my boy, now this is something that I take seriously. Any bachelor party has to have three things to be considered a good time and they are in no necessary order:

Firetrucks

Hookers

and at least one goat!

When news of the soiree first got to the bride to be she emailed me and told me that there would be NO hookers, NO firetrucks and NO booze the night before the wedding. HUH? WHAT? Are you talking to me?? Now the wedding is in the Keys, the bride and groom live in Lauderdale and some friends are coming from as far as California for this thing; she insists that the bachelor party has to be the week before the wedding. Granted I don't live all that far away but there is no way in hell I am driving to Lauderdale the week before the wedding for a party and then driving home and then driving to the damn Keys a week later; nope, sorry, just ain't fucking happening. Not to mention the boys from the northeast and Cali, they ain't doing it either.

Now I sit on this email and kinda let the whole party planning thing die. That is until about a week or so ago when said cousin calls me to shoot the shit. He asks about the party and I reply that I was under the impression that he and the future Mrs. had discussed this and there WAS NOT to be a party the night before the wedding, he had agreed to this - whoops, maybe he hadn't. SURPRISE! A few days later I got an email from the best man that there was gonna be a party, Friday night, before the wedding, in the Keys - COOL, I'm in.

Well, that was fine and dandy for a day or two anyway - cue the next email from Bridezilla. Now, apparently the stress of it all is getting to her, she cannot do this. She cannot HAVE this, no, not at all, not in any fashion. Not in a box, not with a fox, not train, not in the rain. She tells me and the guy from Cali that she has invested too much time, too much energy and too much LOVE in this ceremony to look into bloodshot and tired eyes to say her vows. I can buy some of this but you really gotta know these two to appreciate the irony here. They are party folk to utmost, my cuz is a band man, late nights, loud angry music (mg needs the cd) lots of booze and groupies; the bride is part of the package. She's gonna wake up to hangovers, bloodshot eyes and headaches the rest of their lives (or at least she hopes) and she's worried about one day?
Mything is all the guests are staying the weekend in the keys, starting Friday night; I know when I get the there the bottle will open and I will be intoxicated till it's time to go home, as will everybody else. So, even if there is no organized party with the aforementioned accoutrements there will be people up drinking all night before the wedding, how are we to stop the groom from partaking. This woman knows the man she is marrying, she knows the family, she knows the situation and she still sends the email begging us not to have a party.

Now there is no quandry about the party, cause it's going on, no matter what - groom in or groom out. The quandry is, the question be - do I not tell the groom that she wrote me again TELLING me that there will be no party - she asked that I not. Gee, if she's a manipulative little bridezilla now, what will life be like in the future? Yeah, I'm telling him, he should know that this little party is her reason for calling off the wedding. We could be saving his life, right?

And if there is no wedding, there's nothing to interrupt my little vacation, after all I do still have reservations...

One of my cards...

I wanted to share this one with the class, just cause after I read it a couple times it seemed kinda like something CP would write.

Happy Sex and Chocolate Day!

Have a friend that calls today Sex & Chocolate day, not too sure why but when she wished it to me a few years ago it just kinda stuck. I guess this pic wraps it all up, well for me at least, sorry ladies, most of you anyway...

This pic actually gives me lots of ideas for that stuff you can dip your ice cream cone in...

KB started it, MG did it and a few others followed suit so here's my list of 10 things that I love.

1) my girls
2) my wife
3) all my girlfriends
4) my truck
5) the smell of fresh cut grass, thanks kel.
6) the satisfaction of building something, anything
7) making a big pile of sawdust
8) ganja
9) my dogs and cats
10) a cold beer and a naked woman, not necessarily in that order.
Okay so that was two, sue me!

Happy Sex and Chocolate Day everybody!

IT'S FLORIDA DAMMIT!

I'm not supposed to have to do this here!













Guess it's time to move even further south, I'm thinking Aruba.

That darn'd test

OK, so like I took that personality test like everybody else has and when I post it that stupid box covers up everything to the right side. Can anybody help me out with resizing the damned thing?

Basically what it said is I'm a romantic, hedonistic narcissist who depises authority and loves sex - now if that's not a pirate I really don't know what is. Yeah, maybe they're not too romantic but I've always been more about the pillaging, looting and burning more so than the raping anyway.

It also says I would rather have fun than work but my work ethic was strong, that's me - conflicted. Who says you can't have both?

No post today

No inane subject matter or awwww photos today. Billy is seriously considering a career move this afternoon; the week of dealing with complete incompetence has him ready to walk the plank.

If anyone knows of a company in need of a pirate to peddle their wares, preferably in the construction products industry please let me know. Experience includes the selling of ice cubes to Eskimos and sand to Arabs.

Have a great Friday everyone!

Now that's entertainment

Came across this at the suggestion of Grant. The only other person I know of who speaks of juju.

Have a look at this little movie called 7:35 in the morning, I believe you may enjoy it.

HNT - Retro kinda

Some of you may have read that I was looking through old photo albums whilst cleaning over the weekend; this is not the pic that I cannot find obviously, but it is a pretty cool one. I sometimes write of my rock and roller daughter Sweetpea, well this is her and her daddy somewhere just shy of 16 years ago.

Now, imagine this precious little gem in fishnets, short skirt, a shirt with skull and crossbones and black hair with purple streaks... Yeah, proud papa. and not just cause she wears the old skull and crossbones, apparently pirate gear is in style this year.

Happy HNT everybody and if you want to play along with us click the blue button over there to the right side, yeah, that one, the one that says Half Nekkid Thursday.

SNAFU / FUBAR

Well, it was a Tuesday from hell and I'm glad it's over. I didn't even post any boobies, WTF?

There's a line from a movie which I cannot remember the title of or even what it was about; probably from sometime in the 80's. It had a line in it that I don't remember exactly but is one of my all time favorites - of anybody remembers this or where it came from please let me know.

I am sick and tired of coming up with desperate last minute solutions to impossible problems caused by other people!" or something to that effect...

I hired a competent (?) local firm to do the installation of my product for a local job, they've done this work for years and even called me to ask about them doing this work. Yesterday the product arrived at the jobsite and the unload was a bit difficult to say the least. I got 5 phone calls before 11 am that this was impossible, they didn't include unloading in their price and as a matter of fact they never include unloading. OK, why didn't someone tell me this weeks ago when we negotiated the job?

Turms out the unload was difficult, the crates are 4-5,000 pounds and the lift on the jobsite couldn't handle it. They were dumbfounded, competent (?) professionals who just effin gave up and laid the shit in my hands, yeah, that makes the pirate happy... What the hell am I paying you guys for? If I wanted to do it myself I wouldn't have hired you!

Why can't people be creative? Why can't they think "outside the box", why can't anybody else come up with a damend solution? Why, why, why? If at first you don't succeed call Billy, he'll fix it, he can fix anything - one of life's simple truths. The pirate dropped everything and hustled his ass to the jobsite and within 45 minutes what couldn't be accomplished in 4 and 1/2 hours was done - damn I'm good!

This was an outside the box solution, okay, the forklift can't handle it. What other equipment is onsite? A big ass track hoe with a 15,000 lb capacity, hey, that just might work, anybody got some chain? I'll be damned, there's some chain, and now if we just hook this to that and move this over here, well, fuck, the stuff's off the truck. Now even I have never used earth moving equipment to unload a semi before but if it works, hey why not? See, it works!

Maybe a little too much ganja...

I had a great post planned for today, complete with a picture of me at 17 with my family. Problem is I can't effin find the picture now and really the post wouldn't have been any good without it, then again it may not be any good with it - guess we'll have to wait and see.

Cleaned the garage and the shed on Saturday and came across boxes with photo albums so you know I had to stop and look at every picture and carry some in the house to show the wife and the kids so not much cleaning got done.

There was one picture that just hit me and hit me hard, kinda made me face my own mortality and that just sucked. And now for the life of me I cannot find it and it's pissing me off. Went through half the boxes again last night during the Superbowl and it was not where I thought it was. May have been the ganja, may have not, but the brain cells that know where that picture is have apparently been destroyed. Will try again tonight, undaunted, to find the damn thing.

Carry on and have a pleasant Monday!

and here's one of Billy holding his new baby cousin, although she's like 30something now...

HELL YEAH!

I just closed a $250K sale I've been working on for 6 months. In accordance with the policies set forth by our new corporate sales consultant - it's time to celebrate the sale!

Belly up to the bar people, drinks are on the pirate!

First time in my life I ever agreed so whole heartedly with a consultant.