Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Tuesday's not over yet.

FreeBoobyTuesday was delayed this week do to the old printer glitch, not that I needed to print her but I needed a printer. Not a lot of research done for this weeks entry but still not bad.

Heeeere's Booobies!
Sorry for any withdrawal symptoms you may have suffered dh, I'll try to be on time next week.

Why me?!?

I've got a meeting at 11 and a bid due at 2 and my printer won't fucking work.

A printer, a printer my kingdom for a printer.

That or someone just fucking shoot me.


Okay, so I didn't need to give up my kingdom for a printer. The nice man at Staples only wanted $389.95 plus tax; such a bargain. Last time I let the wife change the ink cartridge...

Monday, January 30, 2006

please stand by...

OK, Billy leaves town for a couple of days and gets tagged repeatedly; ok, one came before he left but still.

wants the soundtrack of my life because some comment of mine inspired her to come up with a meme.

MG tells me I need to author a list of the 8 qualities of my perfect partner and.

cp needs my best tale of vengeance.

I'll do my best folks, give me a minute, k?

and kb, this link is for you, check it out. you and mr. b should schedule your vacation for next year.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Half Nekkid Thursday

The following HNT photo is a prime example of why we only offer high quality female boobage shots here on FreeBoobyTuesday.
Any questions?

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Pirate suffers smoke inhalation in sweet tea incident

Dammit I did it again and this time it cost me.

I drink sweet tea by the gallon and brew it at least once if not twice a day. I have a pot that is used strictly for boiling the water for my tea, I am a particular pirate. I have a bad habit of putting the water on the boil and going back into my office; usually letting the water boil away to about nothing before remembering and filling it to start over again.

This afternoon I'm sitting here, diligently working away and think I smell smoke but think nah, it's nothing. Then I smell it again and sniff at the laptop cause it gets warm sometimes but nothing. Then it hits me, I'm boiling water! OH SHIT! I rush back to the kitchen to find not only the water is gone but the teflon has cooked off the bottom of my pot. Way to go eh? There's a haze hanging about the house now, I've opened the windows hoping to clear it out before the kids get home.

Worst part is I ruined my tea pot. fuck fuck fuck. I need one of those tea maker thingys. now.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Pirate Sails

On Friday I have to head for the corporate office in a faraway land to meet with the powers that be and learn of a grand new plan for success. I can only imagine what amazing lessons await because a "consultant" has been hired to determine an innovative vision of sales prowess that will propel us eons ahead of the competition.

I only hope I can make it through security with this damned hook, the TSA and I have had this love hate relationship ever since they took my moms knitting needles. I love to fucking hate them. I enjoy making a bloggers list of reads but that damned no-fly list is a real pain.

There's seems to be a Tuesday every week...

Damn good thing there's no shortage of booby pictures floating around the net.

This week is a tribute to our pirate festival, Gasparilla. It has a tradition somewhat similar to Mardi Gras so far as the old beads for boobies payoff goes. The pirates trade booty for boobies, cheap plastic beads for pricey plastic boobs, well not it all cases but you know what I mean.

Here's one for ya that I think has an almost "art" feel to it, maybe cause it's black and white, either way you gotta figure this girl just got started cause with a pair like that she should have a few more strands of beads around her neck.

Looking at it again it appears as though she may be looking for rain and not beads. Whatever.
Have a great Tuesday folks.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Note to Laurie

For Laurie at Standed in Suburbia, the weather here was in the 80s over the weekend and simply gorgeous. So once the toxins left my system the bikes were cleaned and polished and taken for a ride.

Twas a beautiful day on two wheels.

At least you can be happy Pittsburgh won and your man Bill is coming to Detroit...

The toxins in question were traced back to this bottle; how they got from here into my blood stream remains a damned good question...

KB, you're a nurse, any ideas?

Thanks KB, but no bail required - at least not yet.

KB thought Brazen Billy might have been apprehended by the military over in the Indian Ocean and bail money would be in order, well KB you can rest easy. Not that you would have been able to bail me out of that mess anyway.

Ole' Billy is safe and sound in his own little harbor, one particular harbor about to suffer a great invasion. It's that time of year, time for Gasparilla here in Tampa, a hundred year old tradition of Pirates invading the city.
TJ would probably be suprised to know that Billy isn't the only boy in town who likes to think of himself as a pirate, they're are actually thousands of us gathered around the shores of Tampa Bay who practice the pirate way.

So rest easy KB and save that bail money for next weekend when we're trading booty (beads) for boobies and such. Might actually need it then...

Happy Monday Y'all!

Friday, January 20, 2006

had to do it

Saw this too many places not to try it out and ya gotta love what it said.

In the year 2006 I resolve to:

Slap stupid people in the head.

Get your resolution here

I think I finally found a resolution I can live with.

Garrr! The ayes have it mateys!

Well according to popular opinion today it would appear that Billy can be a pirate if he wants to be and he wants to be - so all the naysayers can walk the effin plank.

Have a great weekend y'all, this pirate's cutting out early and heading to the local watering hole to imbibe in some spirits and play with the other ner'do'wells.

Whaddaya mean not a pirate?

A few comments have been made challenging Billy's status as a pirate apparently because he has a fondness for small furry woodland creatures and helps out anonymous damsels in distress. Now this causes me a great deal of anxiety, this is not good for a pirate.

For the record, I steal - glances at boobies, and pillage - the fridge, and hang out with nefarious characters - the ballarinas at the booby bars, and imbibe in alchoholic beverages, although I much rather prefer a certain export of Jamaica.

I've looked into alternate personas to maybe fit the image that has been defacto assigned to me by some of the readers here but this just doesn't have the same feel.

Having to wear that tin can on the beach would truly interfere with my ability to get a tan and bare feet just wouldn't go with the outfit. So I prefer to remain a pirate, even if just in my mind.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Sucker for a woman crying...

This afternoon while I was buying shrimp from a roadside vendor a woman walked past, carrying a large duffle, with tears rolling down her cheeks. Yeah, I wondered what was wrong but I continued buying my shrimp and she continued walking.

When I finished my transaction, 3 pounds for $12, I climed back in my truck and headed towards home. I need to say that I was in a very rural part of the area, not much around for miles as far as conveniences; this is the part of Florida that grows oranges and strawberries, raises cattle and mines for phosphates. Anywho, I head west for home and there she is, still struggling with the duffle and crying, so I pull the truck over. No, I don't normally pick up strangers although I'll stop for people with obvious car trouble cause I spent a lot of time on the side of the road in my earlier days.

Her name was Samantha, 3 days out of Texas, freshly divorced and staying with her mom in Tampa. She went home with her cousin for the night last night and was left with the cousins friend this morning when said cousin went to work. This "friend" took her today to look at Florida's cow county cause Samantha used to work on ranch in Texas and apparently he ditched her there. Seemed to be a put out or get out situation and Sam opted to get out - and walk. Now this woman was 35 miles from Moms house, that was some fortitude for someone who didn't know the area. Needless to say I'm a sucker for tears and to see her carrying that big ass bag, well I couldn't leave her there.

She climbed in and immediately knew the obscure band on my stereo; anyone who knows Cross Canadian Ragweed can ride with me anytime. Soon the tears stopped and she proceeded to say "thank you sir" for the next 5 miles when I told her my name and to quit calling me sir. I got the Readers Digest version of her recent history including the being ditched it the country part. All she had was a bigass tupperware bowl full of change and her bag of clothes, what a way to travel.

I was gonna leave her at the CVS on the corner by my UPS store but we had such a nice conversation I decided togo another 4 miles to the Cash & Carry where she could turn her change into dollars; she was the most polite and well spoken hitchhiker I have ever met, the girl had herself some manners. Between CVS and Cash & Carry I had decided that I would take her al the way to her mom's house and had told her so before she went in the store. This girl left her purse and her duffle in my truck while she went to convert her change, I guess a real pirate would have taken off with the booty at that point but I waited.

She came out proud to have $24 in folding money and tried to give me $4 for gas. I told her that it wouldn't do my karma any good if I took her money and said for her to keep it. She insisted but so did I. Now during our ride we were talking about her being a cowgirl; roping and riding and the like, so I gave her my business card with my cell number and told her this.

If she wanted to pay me back, what she could do was when she got her shit together, call me and she could teach me to handle a lasso. I suppose I could be a cowboy just as easy as a pirate right? Well this thrilled her to no end - well I'm sure could do that she said I can teach you to handle a rope like a pro. It's easy to spin the loop but hitting a target could take some time though, but I could teach you easy enough. I told her that was good for me. Another 5 miles we were at her Mom's house and she got out. She got her bag from the back and came back to the cab, leaned in and gave me a hug, thanking me over and over again.

Now I kinda doubt I'll ever hear from Sam again but I'll hope that she does get settled and calls me to teach me to rope. That'll to come in handy the next time one of those cute little mermaids swims up next to my ship.

Oh yeah and here's dinner.

Half Nekkid Thursday

Hey y'all, I've got an eye on you. Or maybe it's an evil eye? Or maybe I just didn't feel very creative today.
Yeah and I only showed one cuz there's a patch on the other, damn hook, gotta remember to scratch with the other hand...

Play HNT with the cool kids, click the clue button on the side.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Our reservation has been confirmed

Billy's rock and roll cousin is getting married March 4th and he is doing it in style, at least my kind of style. Beach front, attire to be beach casual and alcohol is required - this is gonna be fun people. I just got the email confirmation for our room at the beautiful Grassy Key Resort and they also confirmed they do have a space for my motorcycle trailer, fuckinay.

Gee, baggy shorts, a Tommy Bahama shirt, my jesus shoes, fucking paradise I'm telling ya. If there was ever a way to recover your damn mojo this would be it. The bikes will probably be parked till Sunday but then I see a leisurely 60 mile ride to Key West. I also see a lot of time here.

Tuesday's looking up.

Tuesday? Welll at least it's not Monday anymore.

Not sure what happened yesterday as it seems there were many others in the bloggerhood besides myself who weren't themselves. Some began Monday happy and ended up hacked off, others just started out that way. No matter, the mean old day is gone and Tuesday is here

Yes, it's FreeBoobyTuesday, so there'll be breasts. And besides that there's Aerosmith and Lenny Kravitz at the Ice Palace; I've seen reviews from the show here in the blogs and they have all been good so we're looking forward to the show. Guess there'll be a review here tomorrow - but for now there's boobs.

I've got to either start sailing closer to the island or get a better lens...

Sunday, January 15, 2006

God I love to paint!

Nothing can ruin the Sunday Morning Blues Cruise any more than fucking painting. Sundays are for coffee with Bailey's, the paper and blues; simply a tradition. Today, however, it is time to paint the newly installed crown moulding.

Coffee, with Baileys, was had along with the Sunday paper but now it's time for productive activity. I have the blues playing from the MP3 player, filling the house with the beautiful sounds of Muddy, BB, Johnny James, Johnny Lang, Clapton, Stevie Ray, etc, but this damn paint brush is just taking all the enjoyment out of it.

Now I can't begin to tell you how many times I've painted this fucking place and we've only been here 7 1/2 years. I would venture to say that the living/dining area has been done about 3 times and the family room, the fucking family room, well that's been done about 5, not counting the colors that we didn't stick with. I have more cans of paint that Sherwin Williams, I once maxed out the Behr rebate offer at Home Depot I bought so many damn cans of paint.

Thankfully I believe we've found colors that will stick for a while, I hope. First we had to coordinate with the furniture, then we had to find a color that would highlight the painting we bought at the art festival, then, well then, we just needed another color.

We were gonna do red in the family room, but it didn't look good. The next color was an golden orange? Then a green, then sponged, then paintd over again dammit. Now it's a nice shade of tan? Thank Ja that's all in the past, today we're just painting the crown moulding.

If you look to the right of the right column you'll see the original color we were going to paint it - this color matched the cabinets and the flooring. After careful review and consideration however this color did not make the cut. The soft light brown beige on the face of the columns did however, I just haven't moved enough fucking furniture to get to that side yet.

We making our way around the house, with one coat and then a second coat - gotta do it right. So now, when I'm done with the crown mould, I have to paint the base moulding to match, yee fucking ha! And ya know when we're done with that, it's time to touch up the wall paint where I got the trim paint on it; that and all the blue marks from the pool cue chalk, shit happens.

OK, enough fooling around for now, I'll bet the first coat is dry on the other half of the room.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Of wives and daughters

This pirates home is located on the small island of Testoserone somewhere in the middle of the vast Estrogen Ocean; that's where you live when you have a house full of womens. My wife and two daughters rule the house with their feminine ways and poor Billy is left to his garage to hang with the power tools. 2,200 square feet under air and I live in the fucking garage...

Every now and again I venture indoors to see how things are going, well that and to cook dinner. Last night I had the priveledge (?) of being invited shopping with the girls; the young ones had Target gift cards from Christmas burning holes in their pockets and it was time to set them free.

I wandered the aisles looking at t-shirts, TVs and CDs whilst they pondered jeans, undies and accessories. We met up at the checkout, made our purchases and headed home with goodies in tow. For the record I got 2 cool beach/fishing t-shirts and a CD. The girls on the other hand got undies and accessories, life is not complete til your holding your kids underwear at the checkout which leads to questions, lots of questions. (other than the obvious, why do my children wear a larger bra size than their mother?)

Why, someone please tell me why, my daughters wear thongs and my wife doesn't? There is something inherently wrong with this picture in my mind. I find it troubling that when I stumble through the laundry room that there can be 12 or 15 thongs on the floor and not one belongs to the Mrs. She does own one or two, only because they came as a set in a gift from Victoria's Secret purchased by yours truly and are worn solely on those special occasions when Billy's gonna get lucky.

Not only are they wearing thongs but the oldest, my alt rocker Sweetpea also has a collection of fishnets, which the Mrs. has none. It all hit home last night while sitting in the garage watching TV and she came out wondering which pair of fishnets looked best with the outfit she was wearing to school today. Now she's not going off looking like some ho-ish hoochie momma at all, she is into her rock and roll persona and that's how I view what she wears, a costume. It's not like she looks to be hanging on the street corner enhancing her allowance.

She came out with a standard pair, which she owned already and had us look at those, then she goes inside and comes back out with a pair of fancier ones with an intricate lacey pattern to them. The second pair made me think I needed glasses as the intricate pattern just looked blurred to me from across the room, so I voted for the first pair.

It was then that I slapped myself, not only is Sweetpea wearing the fishnets, I am fucking deciding which pair looked better with her outfit. Dad? WTF? Now I must say that she looked good, there was some kind of skirt thing, black, cute and a corset/bustier type top, black, and a really cool waist length, long sleeve jacket, black. She forgot to get safety pins when we were at the store so she was somewhat incomplete, not that I know what those were for anyway. She did look cute as hell and as soon as I have the opportunty to get a picture of this I will so I can share - she's a bit more than camera shy.

It all begs the original question, why? Why do my kids wear the stuff they do and not the wife? I cannot get her to dress sexy at all and it's not because she's unattractive either - for the record tall, slender, blonde and beautiful - just shy I suppose. Any hints, clues, tales or suggestions for the pirate that could help him get the Mrs. into something sexy other than behind closed doors?
Come on ladies help me out here....

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Half Nekkid Thursday

Here just north of the Caribbean we don't have to shovel snow, we don't have to scrape our windshields and we don't need to let the car warm up before we drive anywhere BUT there are some considerations to winter. The pool temp is only 67 degrees; dammit I should have gotten the gas heater instead of the solar heater. This pirate only plays in the pool when the water temp is between 84 and 88 degrees so I'm kinda like waiting for April or May to dip my tootsies.

Then again I could have dipped my toes and shown you an erect pirate nipple or perhaps even some shrinkage, I'll bet your happy I stuck with my toes...

Come play HNT with the rest of the cool kids, click on the HNT box to the right and see Obsasso for the rules.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Is it possible to be a song?

So, ok, stole this from perverted republican.

Another silly little quiz to determine what Led Zep song you are, looks like I'm a fool. in the rain. A story for another day is how true this was at one time, that is if you know the tune...

You Are

Fool In The Rain

You are a very bizarre person, to say the least. You don't think the way most other people do. And you probably don't really care.

You defy convention, and probably really like burritos. And you're very content with your life. You're a ray of sunshine. Piercing, bizarre end-of-the-world sunshine, but sunshine nonetheless. While most people are going to college to be lawyers or accountants or something, you'd be just as happy working at Tippy's Taco Stand in San Dimas, CA.

You probably have a really interesting car. You definitely do not drive a Honda Civic. There's a good chance that you smoke weed. There's a good chance you sell it.

Everybody worth anything likes you a lot.

Take the Which Led Zeppelin Song Are You? Quiz

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


Hey y'all, it's Tuesday, FreeBoobieTuesay.

Remember kids, it's very important not to burn the boobies.
Have a friend help apply the lotion.

I meant your pirate friend.

Friday, January 06, 2006

My bushy tailed buddy

Since some of you asked yesterday in your comments and I like to talk about him, today you will hear of Charlie the Squirrel.

Charlie was orphaned during Huricane Jeanne in September of '04. I was walking our dogs during a lull in the storm and found a little ball of fur on the sidewalk. Several trees had been damaged and branches were down everywhere so I can only assume his nest had been knocked down. I distracted the dogs and managed to pick him up and store him inside my jacket to get him home. Once there I hit the internet to figure out how to care for him. Liquids were the first order so his first drink was some red gatorade out of an eyedropper.
Once things were back to normal we found puppy formula and syringes and that was his food for the next 3 - 4 weeks; had to feed him like 6 times a day.
He lived in a box for a little while.
Once he got old enough for solid foods he ate like a king; brocolli, grapes, blueberries, kiwi, carrots, okra, walnuts, pecans, cantaloupe, corn on the cob, and many other delicacies. I would chop all this shit up and bring it to him 3 times a day. He ate better and more regularly than the rest of us. I also built him his own condo, a multilevel paradise where he could climb and play and annoy the hell out of the dogs and cats with no fear of reprisal.

He enjoyed his little cage which was located in my home office, gave me someone to talk to during the day and kept me occupied. I even put sod in the old aquarium and placed it in the bottom of the condo and he would bury nuts in it. I had longer hair at the time and it wasn't uncommon for him to try and bury nuts in my hair. He liked being out and running around. To answer MG, yes squirrels do bite but his nails were the worst. I still bear faint scars from him running up and down legs and arms. He would dig in and take off and left marks on me everywhere.
He grew into a big, fat squirrel; it's funny to look at the squirrels roaming the neighborhood and see how skinny they are compared to fat old Charlie. They look downright malnourished compared to my litle buddy.

He grew only too accustomed to the pirate way of life after a while.

Just kidding that's not him.

I am sorry to say that I lost my little friend in what can only be described as a tragic accident. he was frolicking on the top of his condo among some things stored on it and several items along with Charlie fell. While he appeared to be OK at first he began to show signs of injury. Apparently when everything fell he landed wrong or something landed on him and he had internal injuries. It took me 5 vets to find someone who would treat him and all they could do was put him down. I was devastated, you should have seen the grown man cry over a little furry creature. That little guy had become my best friend in the time he was here and I miss him terribly. He was laid to rest under the oak tree in the front yard.

I do so wish that this story had a happier ending but it is what it is. I guess if nothing else I gave him a while longer to frolick because he surely would have perished on the sidewalk during that hurricane. Squirrels are cool little creatures and everytime I see them scamper around in the neighborhood I think of my little buddy.

Here's to you Charlie, I miss ya pal!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Half Nekkiid Thursday

Yeah, I know, most pirates have a parrot on their shoulder. I would hope by now you'd realize that this is no regular pirate you're dealing with.

This pirate had a squirrel for a little buddy.

Come on and play HNT with the cool kinds, you know you wanna! Click the little blue box down and to the right to see the master Obsasso and get the rules of the game.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Send this to 20 people in the next hour for good luck!

I sent the following email today to about everybody in my address book.

OK, so most of you know already that I hate stupid email forwards, especially the ones that say send this to 10 or 20 people in the next 4 hours and your luck will improve or you'll win a million bucks or some other dumb shit like that. And the ones that tell me god loves me (yeah, I know, the bald guy at the airport told me) and some poor crippled kid is collecting business cards to get into the Guinness book or Microsoft is tracking emails and will pay you $.32 each. C'mon people, smarten up, that stuff is bullshit.

Which brings me to the point of this email. I am sending you something that will make people love you, not block you from their inbox. Why? Why 'cuz I'm a nice guy of course... you had to ask?

The link below contains the key to relieving you of the aggravation that everyone of us has suffered, will bring you peace of mind and make you easier to live with - and you don't have to do a fucking thing to accomplish this. You do not have to forward it to receive salvation, you do not have to put 7 recipes in an envelope, you don't even have to thank me (although I believe you will).

People, this gift I give to you is a cheat sheet that has shortcuts to the interactive voice mail of over 110 companies . That's the computer you get when you call a company to bitch, moan, complain or ask a question and can never get to a LIVE PERSON no matter how badly you try. Click on the attached link and then save it in your favorites section because I guarantee that you'll use it and unlike the other crap that ends up in your inbox this will improve the quality of your life Then you can send it to your friends and feel confident that they won't hate you for it. This site has all the little codes and shortcuts to get to that REAL PERSON you so desperately want to speak to, after all, that's why you picked up the phone right?

And now, without further adieu, the link...


Use it in good health.

And if you forward it to 128 people in the next 15 minutes Cindy Crawford will come to your house on Thursday and wash your car nekkid!

i so crack myself up....

Tuesday, January 03, 2006


OK, so I missed last week, sue me. I did give y'all multiple boobies for Christmas though, that's gotta count for something. Being this is the first Tuesday of 2006 I searched high and low, well, maybe about chest high for a fantastic set of boobies to start the new year. It was a long exhausting search, sorting through countless pairs of boobs for just the right pair to start the new year. And I think that I found them...

Speaking as a pirate, this is what I like to see waiting for me as I approach a new, uncharted island - either that or one of those existing islands with the all inclusive resorts that promote nudity.

Have a great 2006 people!